Normally, I post all of the fun and exciting things that take place on our Homeschool journey. Let me just say, these things are just the highlight reel! The laundry isn’t always done. The house isn’t always clean. My sophisticated meal plans, chore charts, and homeschool lesson plans are not always executed the way I envisioned. Most of all, I do not always feel that what I am doing is enough. The new reality of my son’s feeding tube is setting in.
Tonight, as I plugged Miles in for his nightly 10 hour feeding, I began to weep thinking about how I felt like I failed him. After having successfully breastfed 6 other children it is a struggle to accept that his diagnosis of “failure to thrive” is not my fault. Staring at the feeding tube and the bag of milk supplying him with the needed nutrients, I ask God where did I go wrong this time?
I hear the enemy and many well meaning “friends” saying this happened because of my advanced maternal age or because I am overweight. My relative even told me that I was now fired from breastfeeding my son, despite the doctors saying this has nothing to do with me.
The enemy whispers once again, “Christel, you are not good enough.”
After 20 minutes of being mentally and spiritually beaten down, the Holy Spirit pricked my heart and reminded me how much God loves me and sees me as good enough. I was reminded of the verses 2 Corinthians 3:5 Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God and Isaiah 43:4 Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.
Such a powerful reminder that this journey is not about what Christel is able to do. This journey is about what God does through me. It is not about how my little one gets his nutrients. This is about the love, care, and compassion I give him as I nurture and raise him.
So, tonight, I will plug up my little guy and kiss him goodnight. Then, I will wake up when the machine beeps to be changed and kiss him again just to remind him how much I love him and to remind myself how much God loves me.